Cyber-love Affair (cont'd)
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The night before I leave, I open a program on my computer that I access about once or twice a year, when the spirit moves me. I've had it for a long time and it has always been helpful to me. It is based on the I Ching, the Chinese book of changes. It discusses the meaning of things in one's life and tries to provide guidance for what is really going on. I consider myself to be a very rational, skeptical, and scientific person, but this program has been so accurate and helpful to me in the past that I have come to trust its guidance. I ask it:
And this is its response:
The image: a dried up lake bed with nettlesome crows stalking the shoreline. Hard times shrivel our spirits, and bring out a multitude of "crows" (troublesome worries). To endure hard times--or even grow and benefit from them--It is essential to tap the wellspring of human endurance: hope.
The reading goes on and on, each sentence, each image more bleak than the last. I am really shocked. I had expected the program to extend its best wishes to me, to encourage me towards my goal, but this? Outraged, I slam the keys and repeat the question, thinking: this is a mistake.
Response:
No no no no no! I do not want this answer! I scream. I am so upset. I cannot believe what is happening! I don't even believe any of this oracle crap, but it has become so important that someone or at least something else agree with me and share my enthusiasm that I am yelling at my computer, trying to argue it into another response. I had never even asked the same question of the program twice but now I hit the keys wildly and asked yet a third time.
Response:
When you find yourself trapped in a hall of mirrors, sometimes it is necessary to retrace your steps. Return to the familiar; take solace in what is firm and secure. There is no blame in holding back; indeed, it is your responsibility to keep your strength intact for the period of resurrection, which follows the period of disintegration as surely as dawn follows the night. I am so frightened. It is bad enough to feel completely out of control, planning a trip into the unknown, leaving my home and work and children for what? A fantastic dream? Are the gods just laughing hysterically at me? Is my own neediness pushing me beyond every limit of good sense I have ever known? Season of the witch! Holy shit, I think, it's not going to give up. I could throw the computer through the window. This machine has connected me to the person I searched for my whole life and now it wants to take it all away. No, it won't. This is really a test, I think. This is a test of whether I will be strong enough to follow through, to follow the deepest stirrings of my heart and imagination. I know that if I don't go, that I would never be able to forgive myself, no matter what awaits me when I exit the boarding tunnel. I write all of this down and I send it ahead to the woman I am going to meet. And I add these lines:
The next morning I am much more calm but still frightened. My neighbor drives me to the airport. He is very concerned when I tell him what I am doing. When he drops me off he wishes me well and asks jokingly, "How do you know she's not really a guy?" "If she is," I say, "then maybe I'm gay." I check in, get my pass, and board the plane. When the wheels leave the ground, I give a long sign of relief. I am really on my way. No turning back now.
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