Cyber-love Affair (cont'd)
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In the night I know her arms have folds I have never seen before, her belly sags and her face is lined. Her legs are so thin and so much of her life and her youth has been spent with others. I am angry with all of them, that they have had her when I have not. I think of all those years I would have wanted to know her, to hold her close to me and feel her young heart beating through her blouse. I want to make love to her years ago when she was smooth and firm, listen to her scream to wake the sleepy neighbors. But we have missed each other and now it is too late. Now she will say what seemed true for her, even if it is not so. The best is not to be, it has already been, and not with me. We lie together on the same bed, without touching, the love we had felt just hours ago gone, no more remaining of it than of the few moments of sunlight that afternoon. She pulls her computer table to her and the unnatural green glow lights the room once again. She begins to tap rhythmically on the keyboard as I continue to stare at the ceiling. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. It goes on and on until I realize that she is erasing, one by one, each of our messages. The sound I heard is the "Delete" button methodically sending each letter, each tender thought and caress, each word, into oblivion. She finally stops typing, turns off the computer and the room again is dark. We lie there quietly until she says, "It's OK now. I've detached." Detached! How I hate that word. How I hate her for saying it. How could she? It's not possible. Can she turn it off and on like a light bulb? But I know she has the strength. We turn our heads away all the time. We don't listen. We seal our hearts shut, except to one or two people and then we consider ourselves to be open and loving. "This is just an observation," she says in the darkness. "I'm not telling you what you should do, but if you don't feel right about staying here past tonight, you don't have to." My return flight isn't for two days. I imagine wandering around the airport until then. But I know that it is impossible to stay. It breaks my heart to realize it and I say, "Yes, of course. I'll leave tomorrow." We lie together, yet so far apart, for a long while. She says, "Please, I'd like you to take the little book back with you." Then I hear her gasp and she begins to sob without restraint. She cries and cries and cries in the dark room. I lie there without moving, crying also, but inside, quietly, feeling her body heave and shiver next to me. Soon she quiets down and says, "You are such a sweet, lovely man. You came so far to find me. Even if it didn't last as long as we wanted, at least we loved each other for a little while and we can be happy for that." I feel like she has reached into my chest and kissed my heart and I can not lie there still any longer. I reach over and pull her to me. She wraps her arms and legs around me and we begin to kiss with a passion that explodes in the room.
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