The Televisionary Oracle Newsletter
(a private club that anyone can join)

Hi, beauty and truth fans, and welcome to the Televisionary Oracle, brought to you by Rosicrucian Coca-Cola, the Menstrual Temple of the Funky Grail, and Telepathics Anonymous.

I'm your hostess with the Holy Ghost grin, Rapunzel Blavatsky, and I'm proud to announce that this is a perfect moment. It's a perfect moment because you've just become not only a voyeur but a participant in a fabulously entertaining crime of love that doesn't break any laws.

As of now, beauty and truth fans, you're helping me and my cohorts here at the Televisionary Oracle to create a sacred five-dimensional ransom note--which also happens to be a major news story and a ticklish manifesto and a healing advertisement designed to safeguard you from the global genocide of the imagination.

As of now, we have kidnapped your imagination--at least what's left of it--and are holding it in protective custody until all our demands are met. In order to save you from the rapidly escalating psychic terrorism of the entertainment criminals (we're sure you know who they are, but if not, we'll tell you later), we felt we had no other choice. Maybe you would have ultimately prevailed under your own power, but we could no longer afford to risk you wouldn't.

This is not a joke, beauty and truth fans. This is not a metaphor or poetic conceit. It's true that your imagination hasn't been abducted in the same sense that, say, the Symbionese Liberation Army once upon a time snatched Patty Hearst. We have not forcibly seized your physical body.

Please realize, though, that from our perspective, the Dreamtime is as "objectively real" as the Daytime. So as sure as you can clap your very physical hands together right now, we have appropriated your actual imagination and transported it to our Dreamtime sanctuary. As sure as the sun is a living being awash in the ecstasy of thermonuclear explosions that fuel every one of your thoughts and movements, we are even now building up your Dreamtime self with fresh hot memes from the Televisionary Oracle--working towards the happy day when you will have full access to your own special genius.

The universe, the poet Muriel Rukyser once said, is not made of atoms; it's made of stories. We believe that in the most literal sense. And the longer your imagination is in our protective custody, the more likely it is you'll come to realize how true that is--and how important, therefore, it is for you to absorb and express only the most delicious, nutritious stories.

Now I beg you to relax. No harm can come to you while you're in our care. We intend to respect your psychic sovereignty as if it were our own, and fight tirelessly for your right to dream your own dreams and scry your own visions. We promise that you will be cared for, loved, protected, understood, appreciated, and blessed with only the most sacred infomania.

Performance is life! Entertainment is death! Long live the guerrilla therapy of our televisionary revolution! We will succeed where the paranoids have failed! We will take back the airwaves--and your imaginations!--from the entertainment criminals!

When you're too well-entertained to move, screaming is good exercise, so please scream on the count of three. Are you ready? 1. . . 2. . . 3. . . .



Here are our first demands:

DEMAND #1: We demand that the entertainment criminals stop torturing you with telepsychopathic images and sounds. We demand an immediate end to the genocide of the imagination.

DEMAND #2: We demand that you brainwash yourself so that no one else can beat you to it, not even us.

DEMAND #3: We demand that all newscasters cry or puke every time they report a tragedy on their nightly TV news shows.

DEMAND #4: We demand that live childbirth be shown in prime time on one of the major TV networks every single day.

DEMAND #5: We demand that People magazine do a cover story on "The 10 Sexiest Homeless Nobodies."

DEMAND #6: We demand that the average length of an act of heterosexual intercourse in America--which is currently only an appalling four minutes--be required by law to be a minimum of 22 minutes.

DEMAND #7: We demand that the word "asshole" be used as a term of endearment rather than of abuse.

DEMAND #8: We demand that your wages be tied directly to the amount of beauty and truth you bring into the world.

DEMAND #9: We demand the right to believe in any story that we love or create, but not to the point that we would hate or kill those who don't love our stories as much as we do.

DEMAND #10: We demand that you love your enemies in case your friends turn out to be jerks.

DEMAND #11: We demand that you kick your own ass!


Adapted roughly from the first draft of The Televisionary Oracle (formerly known as A Feminist Man's Guide to Picking Up Women), Rob Brezsny's in-the-works docufiction memoir. To be published whether or not these demands are met. Keep checking here for details.


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