Menstrual Madness--The Bitch Off
Sheeee-it. Barring babies and menopause, it happens every month, sometimes marching to its own overwrought 35-day surprise, sometimes leaping back like an unwanted party guest returning for his coat just when you've begun the post-party drag-out of his character; either trying to catch you in expensive white underwear or coyly delaying itself as if there were more important business--like handstitching the ozone layer--to attend to than just getting the damn thing over with. If you get it and you want it, you may still not feel all that outrageously blessed; if you get it and you don't want it, you may be more than a mite bit sulky. And no one wants to hear you go on and on about it--except us. Write in and bitch to your heart's content about bloating up like an overfilled water balloon; explore the happy hijinks of supporting 90-pound breasts; revel in the unexpected overnight visit from the pimple fairy; demand a refund from the credit card company for that nice skirt you bought just last week that no longer fits; and rail at all of those loved ones who for a few days a month do not deserve to know you. Cry, weep, moan, complain, and just generally act badly. We'll love you anyway. Extra points if you can manage to write a convincing exaltation of the power of the female body while menstruating--it should be interesting to the rest of us who have no problem digging it the other 21 days a month. This revelation of gal-joy, however, must be convincingly relayed while in the throes--we'll trust you on it. We'll print out and burn the best bitch and moan for you, and the winner receives a really excellent chocolate bar and a trashy magazine compliments of Real Astrology.
Wipe those eyes and unbutton that waistband, for there are a few sane voices among us who not only honor the menses for their unretractable Jungian shadow-boxing, but who believe that Radio Shack franchises nationwide should swing open their doors in a joyous reincarnation as Menstrual Huts for men and women.
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