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Prophecies That The National Enquirer Refuses to Publish!
Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Exclusive from America's only psychic journalist and politically-cracked seer! Rob Brezsny reports the news before it happens! Here are the prophecies that the National Enquirer refuses to publish! Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is entirely intentional!
SEX-CRAZED WELFARE MOTHERS HIJACK SPACE SHUTTLE
A new breed of well-read, charismatic homeless people will arise. They'll spread understanding and laughter through their communities, and will be routinely feasted in the homes of grateful Americans.
The best-selling self-help book of the year will be The Zen of Temper Tantrums.
Cities strapped for funds will create a 900-number option for the 911 emergency line. Wealthy users will pay $1,000 per minute for the privilege of having their calls answered first and fastest. Poorer users may get slower response, but at least the service will remain operational--thanks to the 900-number subsisides.
There'll be new interactive video games with socially redeeming value. In one of the best models, kids must negotiate all eight levels of Buddhist enlightenment with a graceful, red-robed character who resembles the Dalai-Lama.
A rowdy new class of genetic engineers will arise. They'll have little interest in creating oil spill-eating bacteria, frost-resistant strawberries or other useful hybrids. Considering themselves to be a cross between computer hackers and performance artists, they'll create fun monstrosities that appeal to their sense of play and perversity, like winged horses and trees that grow leaves resembling $100 bills.
GLOBAL WARMING IN YOUR PANTS
Claiming it objectifies men, the budding men's movement will decry the romance novel as women's version of pornography.
Dolphins will cease to be smarmy symbols of nature at its cutest when the public becomes aware that they're among the horniest of all creatures. A Life magazine exposé will reveal that dolphins are sexually active from birth, females are wildly promiscuous, and adolescent males are usually bisexual.
A mass ecstatic frenzy will infect more than 200 housewives in Iowa. Much like the maenads of ancient Greece, they'll renounce their volunteer slavery and take to the woods and hills for an orgy of singing, dancing, and dramatic readings of Women Who Love Too Much.
Desperate to justify its funding, the Pentagon will spend 10 billion dollars on research to develop military uses for the human orgasm.
There will be sex riots in Albania, Tadzhikistan, and Malaysia.
Junk Food Sex, a new chain of convenience stores, will appear. Customers will watch pornographic movies and live sex shows in private booths while eating imitation food prepared in their own private microwave ovens.
The rise of the pantheosexual movement will present a new threat to sexual law 'n' order. Describing heterosexuals, gays, and bisexuals as narrowminded, pantheosexuals will claim to have erotic feelings for everything from trees to toasters to clouds to all seven genders of human beings.
50,000 KILLED IN COLLAPSE OF STOCK MARKET
New brands of mental disturbances will arise:
1. Traffic Bliss Syndrome. Victims will secretly enjoy being caught in traffic jams because it's the only time they can be alone with themselves and have the luxury of letting their minds wander like crazy.
2. Pibloqtok. Temporary insanity caused by excessive happiness. Victims, when overwhelmed with unfamiliar feelings of joy, experience waves of terror. They lapse into an animal state, tear off their clothes, and acquire superhuman strength, as if on angel dust.
3. Persona-lite. Victims suffer from the uncontrollable urge to seek out plastic surgery that will make them resemble their favorite celebrity.
4. Thanatoil. Victims suffer from death wishes that take the form of working too hard, eating junk food, not getting enough sleep, and taking in toxic entertainment.
5. Mediapocalypse. Victims, believing the media is the psychic equivalent of nuclear weapons, are terrified to read newspapers.
NO ONE BELIEVES ME SO I MUST BE RIGHT
Many seemingly nice people will cynically use honesty, cheerfulness, and openness to manipulate others into doing things their way.
Bumpersticker of the year: BE LIKE ME.
A prominent sociobiologist will develop technology for measuring emotional pain. Moralists of every stripe will seek to use the device to prove that their favorite victims suffer more than the favorite victims of other moralists.
Scientists in Dallas will report that the average person's life span is reduced by approximately one minute every time he or she smokes a cigarette, overeats, gets drunk, or crosses the street in order to avoid having to exchange boring pleasantries with an approaching acquaintance.
The well-disciplined will inherit the earth.
Angered by the unwarranted influence of entrenched, overpaid hacks like columnist George Will, voters in eight states will approve constitutionally questionable laws imposing term limits on pundits. Egged on when Will voluntarily retires, 21 states will then pass term limits on CEOs who run companies that despoil the environment and hijack American jobs abroad.
FINANCIALLY-STRAPPED CIA HIRED AS PRIVATE ARMY FOR FORTUNE 500
An heir to a self-help book publishing fortune will create Club Meditation, a kind of Club Med for "Nappies" (New Age Plutocrats).
Surgeons will begin to perform foreskin reimplantations. After a major study of the psychology of rapists suggests that many men confuse sex with violence because of the post-natal trauma of circumcision, thousands of males will attempt to heal their psyches by having pseudo-foreskins grafted on, using patches of skin from elsewhere on their bodies.
Big drug companies will announce that they'll no longer develop a new drug if it's a cure for a relatively rare disease that wouldn't affect enough victims to generate a huge profit.
As the gulf separating rich and poor grows wider, poor people will resort to ever-more drastic acts to raise cash. Some will sell their organs to diseased millionaires who need transplants. Others will contract to be tatooed on their foreheads and arms with advertisements. The most desperate will break into prisons and demand to be jailed in order to ensure themselves regular meals and warm places to sleep.
HYPE-OCALYPSE NOW!
A Do-It-Yourself prophecy for you to fill out and send to us.
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